Insult Of The Day

Guest

Kiela bought me an 'Insult A Day' calendar for 2009 and some of these have been prettygood. Starting today, I'm gonna post them here for you all to enjoy.

4/21/09:

Cliff (John Ratzenberger): What a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man.

Carla (Rhea Perlman): I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging either.

-Cheers

Guest

4/22/09

The Earth is full. Go home.

-bumper sticker

Guest

Guest

4/23/09:

Has somebody stolen the bolts out of your neck?

-chef Marco Pierre White to fellow chef Gordon Ramsay

Guest

4/24/09:

Which particular tree do you base your acting on?

-comic Dennis Pennis (Paul Kaye) to actor Hugh Grant

Guest

Your insults for the weekend:

4/25/09:

Lucy Ricardo (Lucille Ball): Hey, Ethel. Guess what Ricky got me!

Ethel Mertz (Vivian Vance): Um...let's see. A hat? A new dress?

Lucy: Oh, Ethel, better! Think about what every woman wants from her husband!

Ethel: A divorce?

-I Love Lucy

4/26/09:

I've coughed up more interesting things than you.

-comedian Billy Crystal

4/27/09:

You have to have a stomach for ugliness to endure her-to say nothing of the zombielike expression she mistakes for acting.

-critic John Simon on actress Carol Kane

Guest

4/28/09:

Artist Frederic Leighton: My dear Whistler, you leave your pictures in such a sketchy, unfinished state. Why don't you ever finish them?

Artist James McNeill Whistler: My dear Leighton, why do you ever begin yours?

Guest

4/29/09:

She is sexy in sort of an ice-cold praying mantis sort-of-way.

-talk show host Stephen Colbert on Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice

Guest

damn... for a second i thought you were quoting vice on a snippy comment

Subject: Re: Insult Of The Day Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:01 am

That was all you, Calli.

Guest

4/30/09:

Judge Smails (Ted Knight): You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.

Ty Webb (Chevy Chase): Don't sell yourself short, Judge; you're a tremendous slouch.

-Caddyshack (1980)

Guest

5/1/09:

He dons his war paint. He goes into his war dance. he emits his war whoops. He goes forth to bttle and proudly returns with the scalp of a pink army dentist.

-Senator Ralph Flanders on Senator Joe McCarthy

Guest

5/2/09:

Mel Cooley (Richard Deacon): Rob, as the producer of this show, once more I must insist that you instruct your staff to show me a little respect.

Buddy Sorrell (Morey Amsterdam): We're showing you as little respect as possible.

-The Dick Van Dyke Show

5/3/09:

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

-pysicist Albert Einstein

5/4/09:

There was a giant fire in Hollywood. Investigators thought it was started by two teenagers, who started the fire by rubbing the Olsen twins together.

-talk show host Craig Ferguson

Guest

5/5/09:

A stumpy, quadrangular little man, with a forehead of no promise and hair so short that it looks like a coat of black paint.

-diarist George Templeton Strong on General Philip Sheridan

Guest

5/6/09:

You know, Ice-T's been in the game so long, they should just call him Ice Age. I tried to listen to one of Ice-T's songs...but I didn't have no cassette player.

-rapper Snoop Dogg on Ice-T, during Comedy Central's Celebrity Roast Of Flavor-Flav

Guest

5/7/09:

Frank (Larry Linville): The men hate me, don't they?

Radar (Gary Burghoff): Just your guts, sir.

-M*A*S*H

Guest

5/8/09:

A Sicilian sack of squid spit.

-actor Billy West on former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani

Guest

All three of these are made of win.

5/9/09:

It is said that as a somewhat deflated George Armstrong Custer lay bleeding in the Montana dirt at the Little Bighorn, he turned his glazed and dimming eyes east and said, "At least we won't have to go back through South Dakota."

-writer Tim Cahill

5/10/09:

Edina (Jennifer Saunders): Look at Mummy, darling. Do I need surgery?

Saffy (Julia Sawalha): Yes...get your mouth sewn up.

-Absolutely Fabulous

5/11/09:

So bad, it has redefined my concept of Hell.

-critic Mark Dujsik on Norbit (2007)

(This quote could also apply to my view of X-Men Origins: Wolverine)

Guest

lol at today's insult and the commentary that went with it.

Guest

I can only take credit for being lucky enough to have a wife who loves me enough to buy me a calendar filled with daily insults.

I'm equally lucky she STILL loves me after I encouraged the two of us to spend an evening watching the Wolverine movie.

Funny side note related to the Wolverine movie:

I'm in my comic store last week (yes, I still buy and read comic books) and having a converstaion with the store owner, Lori. Here is a paraphrasing of how that conversaton went.

Lori: I was so let down by Wolverine.

Taiso: I wasn't expecting much but I was hoping for something. Not only did this movie give me nothing, but I think it took something from me in the process.

Lori: Besides your money?

Taiso: I've supressed the memory to the point where I can't consciously talk about what a violation of my basic human rights XO:W was. Let's just say that I'll need a Wolverine doll to show the court where the movie touched me because I'm so traumatized that I can't verbalize it.

Lori: LMAO

Taiso: And to top it off, I was forced to endure a trailer for Michael Bay's Transformers sequel. I think the coupling of these two things constitutes a violation of Amnesty International's mission statement.

Lori: (laughing uncontrollably)

Taiso: My wife said "This movie is crap but at least I get to look at Hugh Jackman without a shirt on" as we were watching it.

Lori: (chuckling) I know! At least there was some eye candy for us girls.

Taiso: That's all well and good, but if I have to turn gay in order to enjoy a movie...there's something wrong with it.

Guest

5/12/09:

Acting with the sensitivity of a sex-starved boa constrictor.

-Member of Parliament Tony Banks on Margaret Thatcher

Guest

Sounds about right XD

Guest

5/13/09:

Ugarte (Peter Lorre): You despise me, don't you?

Rick (Humphrey Bogart): If I gave you any thought I probably would.

-Casablanca (1942)

Guest

5/14/09:

I belong to no organized party. I'm a Democrat.

-humorist Will Rogers

Guest

5/15/09:

Melchett (Stephen Fry): Some pleasant word game perhaps?

Edmund (Rowan Atkinson): OK, make a sentence from these words: face sodding your shut.

-The Black Adder