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PostSubject: Merg   Tue Jun 09, 2009 4:29 pm

Just got a call, our family friend - doctor- client, committed suicide yesterday. Locked himself in his car and the fumes ...and all that. It's all a bit surreal since this guy was always smiling, always happy, a polio survivor, always praying for people, church go-er and just in general always pleasant to be around and made people smile you know. And then he kills himself. Services are going to be tomorrow night, but they are out of state for me so it will involve some travel.

A little shocked to be honest so I don't know right now what's up. It may take me a little while to deal with this, as I generally have a habit of waiting till after services and funerals to actually -deal- with tragedy.

It may have something to do with my whole bleh feeling the past week too.... I dun know, sometimes I emotionally clue into stuff. I don't know. But I thought you guys deserved an explanation as to stuffs.
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PostSubject: Re: Merg   Wed Jun 10, 2009 2:33 pm

Sorry to hear about this tragedy. It's very unfortunate and I'm sorry to hear that something like this has happened.

Suicide doesn't make sense to the non-suicidal. As I've *legitimately* been that far down emotionally (it wasn't any of that emo bullshit you read about it online from teenage know-nothings who are seeking validation/attention), I can relate my own thought processes regarding the matter. I know it won't change things or bring anyone back from the dead but if any kind of feedback at all will help, I'm happy to provide it to you.

The times that I considered suicide, I used my friends and loved ones as distractions to keep myself from thinking about it. None of them ever knew I was so despondent and felt so helpless that I was considering death as my only escape. It's when I was alone, with no one to talk to, my wife wasn't around to provide companionship and the normal distractions of video games, movies, comic books and writing weren't providing the same distraction, that I thought long and hard about where my life was going and what it all meant. My pain, my suffering, my emotional valleys...did I really want to spend the rest of my life in my particular circumstances (I won't say what was going on with me but I'll say I was, and still am, in considerable physical and mental pain on a daily basis)? My wife didn't even know how far gone I was at one point because I didn't want her stopping me if I decided to end my life.

I also didn't want to be a burden on other people with all of my emotional issues. I didn't want to be on a death watch where people had to take turns chaperoning me. I didn't want other people troubling themselves with my problems. Of course, people that could tell anything at all was wrong would tell me 'We are here for you', but those words didn't mean anything to me so I just played it off and to them, it must have sounded exactly like this:

Friend: Everything okay?
Me: Yeah, I'm just dealing with some personal stuff.
Friend: Well, I'm here if you need me.
Me: Thanks. I appreciate it.

How many of us have had this conversation in the past, playing either role in the dialogue? How many of us have had it repeated times iwth the same people? How many of those people kill themselves? It was easy to deflect inquiries by just pretending.

When I was considering ending it, I felt alone. Lost. I think the breaking point, the point where my wife discovered that I was contemplating it, was when we were getting ready to go for a walk to the park to watch fireworks on the 4th of July at the local park. I was in hurting at the time and the prospect of walking to the park was not very appealing. We got in a spat and I just blurted it out. I didn't want to verbalize what i was considering but it escaped me.

That was when I knew I never would, never COULD, kill myself. Because I finally told someone I was going to do that very thing. That was, subconsciously, my cry for assistance. In my own way, I finally broke down and asked for help, even though I didn't say 'help me' specifically. Didn't use those exact words. But that was what I was doing.

I'm just sorry that this person you knew never reached that same point. I've spoken to a number of people privately, not on the professional level, who've gone through similar emotional difficulties. There's an unspoken brotherhood/sisterhood between people who have legitimately considered suicide. We can tell when people are being honest about it and when they are full of shit. And those of us past the thought of killing ourselves feel bad when we hear that someone actually went and did it, even if we don't know them personally. We feel bad because they weren't able to navigate their way through those dark, stormy oceans to bear witness to calmer azure sea as far as the eye can see. We feel bad because they will never know what it was like to overcome their pain and realize that as difficult as life is for us to live, we are all better off living it.

A guy I used to work with once told me 'Every day's a good day. Don't believe me? Miss one.'

He was a veteran of both gulf wars.

He was also 100% right.
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